Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I just don't know

Every time that I think I will post I cry. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to hurt anyone by posting things that may break hearts. I don't want people to think I am trying to show off or throw it in their face that I am pregnant. Things that I want to post I just don't know about. I want to tell you how scared I am that next Friday there will be nothing on that screen. I want to say how broken hearted I will be if things don't work out. I'd love to say that I realized over the weekend that I think it is too early to do things, to get obsessed, to start looking and making decisions. I remember how it broke my heart the last time. We had names, had decided on bedding and room decor. T wants to look, he is sooo excited for this baby and everything that comes along with it. I am also very afraid that we won't get to make our Disney trip. There is a pretty strong possibility that I have an incompetent cervix and could develop pre-eclampsia earlier in pregnancy this time and a trip to walk around 3-5 miles a day could just be way too much. I will feel horrible if we can't go but even if we are given the OK I think I will be too scared to really enjoy it. I just don't know how to feel, what to write, or even do.


cheryllookingforward said...

I know exactly where you are coming from, Leda. There are so many people out there still sad and still trying. But you can still be happy and celebrate here. You are allowed! I want you to!

And your fears are real. I was afraid for this pregnancy so much in the beginning. I was a disaster. I'm still afraid, but now it is not as intense and I'm afraid about different things.

I want you to be excited. I'm excited for you! And I'll be here to listen to all of your fears and encourage you along the way. You can do this! I heart you!

Browniris said...

This is your blog...so I think you have every right to post whatever you feel like! I don't think it would be fair to ask you to censor anything because you don't want to hurt other's feelings. Everyone is happy for you!!!

Even though I am not KU again, I think that I can understand the fear and nervousness that you are describing. I am so afraid that our next pg will end in m/c. I can't imagine how heartbroken I will feel if that happens.

sonja said...

Leda, I think it is so incredibly generous of you that you are so concerned with hurting other people, but please remember that this is your blog and you have had your share of heartbreak to get to this point. You deserve to be happy and also to express the fears and anxieties you might have here. We are all here for you. *hugs*

wifey said...

Please don't worry about hurting anyone. Your blog is yours, and if someone feels uncomfortable reading it they just don't have to.

I am so glad that your pregnancy is going well!