Something exciting!

I got a blog award! You guys have to go check out The (In)Fertility Diaries. It is an absolutely awesome blog. I read it as much as possible and love that it is real life. I love real life blogs!


The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

* Copy the award and place it in your blog.

* Link the person who nominated you for this award.

* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

* Nominate 7 bloggers.

* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Here are my 7 things-
1.) I am totally and completely addicted to the Gilmore Girls. I have seen every episode around 6 or 7 times.
2.) I have a small hair addiction. I was a hairdresser and am constantly looking at bad haircuts.
3.) I could (and do) watch a few movies over and over and over. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 40 Year Old Virgin, Bewitched, Mean Girls, PS I Love You, Baby Mama, Juno, Bride Wars, Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Clueless.
4.) I love purses. Absolutely freakin love them.
5.) My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love the season, the colors, the cute witches and ghosts.
6.) Even though I live about 20 minutes from Churchill Downs, I have never been (and have no desire to go) to the Kentucky Derby.
7.) I like to believe that I have the kindest, most loving husband and son ever.

Now I am going to nominate 7 blogs that I am addicted to.

Our journey, but not our plan

Oops, I Craft My Pants

Welcoming Sea Monkey

Little Footprints

Cheryl Looking Forward

Steps to Baby

Creative Joy

The boring part of my cycle

I hate this point in the baby making cycle. I am 2 DPO so I still have a good 8 days until I can test and feel confident in the answer. I think i might play a game on this post. Let me go look at one of the other fun blogs to find something that is not absolutely boring (or maybe is).

ETA: Shot, I can't find anything. Anybody know a fun survey to take that might be interesting for my lovely readers?

I am sooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A very, very, very sweet woman named Cheryl had the entire contents of my old blog in her google reader (whatever that is) and I love her forever and ever and ever for copying and pasting them for me. I love you Cheryl!!!!!!!

Fresh

Sometimes the pain of our loss seems so fresh, as if happened just yesterday and I am still trying to believe it. T told me about some good work friends that were pregnant. I have to admit, they didn't seem like kid people and I was jealous because it was them and not us. Yesterday he told me that they had miscarried and the wife had to have a D&C. It broke my heart. I just felt so sad for them. I know that hurt, that pain. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I still feel that way some times. I remember in the days following the ultrasound just crying. Crying so much that my eyes were swollen almost shut. I remember not talking about it but still just bursting into tears. Worrying about what people would think, if they would look at me weird. I remember feeling like a bad wife because T was the one who had to tell everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to say it, because if I said it then it was real. I also remember after, wondering if T had been as sad as I was. Thinking that I should have been more supportive of him instead of only thinking of myself. He had hopes and dreams just like mine. Our baby already had a name. We had looked at bedding and furniture and narrowed our choices. I can't help but wonder if they are feeling the same way.

After T told me that I couldn't stop thinking about how little is done for you when you lose a baby. I told him about the woman in the ultrasound waiting room yesterday who was crying tyring to get in touch with her husband. She was alone there, pregnant and far enough so that you could tell. They found a bleed and it wasn't good. Yet there she was crying in the waiting room with everyone else just sitting there. Why is there not somewhere more private for situations like that? When T told me about this couple I wanted to give him a list of resources, things that could be found on-line to give to her. Then I thought that would be stupid and weird. I know that personally I would have loved to have found this community (The wonderful LFCA) earlier, when my loss was something that had just happened and I was paralyzed with sadness. I would love to do something in our community, try to get resources to hospitals and doctor's offices. Anything really, so that women have something, somewhere to go when they feel like there is nowhere.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I might go about this? Possibly contacting the March of Dimes?

3 follicles

Hmmm. What does this mean for me? The ultrasound tech said two were at 14mm and one was at 13mm. She said that all 3 were dominant instead of last month just the 1. I am guessing this ups the chance of multiple which makes me and T want to crap our pants. But along with that it ups our odds of just the 1 as well. I should O Saturday or Sunday. I went ahead and scheduled myself an appointment on Tuesday with my GYN. I would like to speak to her face-to-face for a little follow-up and a Q&A session. I have a zillion questions and want to find out what her answers are. I know she is going to say we need that SA but that is not covered by our insurance and we can't afford it right now. Being broke and infertile is a bitch. Anyway, that is today's update.

PS - I just joined the ICLW today and have a few comments! Do I need to post a welcome for you guys? I have seen some other blogs who have done it so I was not sure

5 am

5 am seems to be my general wake-up time lately. I have never been a 5 am kinda girl. So why am I now? Really, I have no clue. I sure wish I wasn't because by the time we go lay down around 8:30 or 9 I can't even stay awake long enough to say anything. My head hits the pillow and I am out. It is really killing our sex life. Anymore it seems like the only time we ever "do it" is when we are FWP (fucking with purpose). Back when T had to get up around 5:45 I couldn't even drag myself out of bed to make him breakfast, now he gets up an hour later and he spends the last 2 hours in bed alone. This morning my body tried to fool me and make me think 3:45 is an acceptable time to wake-up for the day. Not so much. It took me about 20 minutes but I fought it and fought it hard. Pretty soon I am going to be one of those people who actually does stuff when they get up at 5. Currently I am the kind who sits on the computer.

In other news... I have a CD 14 ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. I have been having really bad pain on my right side, mostly in my back, so I am thinking that may be some ovulation pain. Hopefully I ovulate even earlier this month. I will probably be purchasing some OPKs and starting them tomorrow.

Question. What would you do if you got up at 5 every morning? What should I try to get done?

Happy, happy birthday, may all your dreams come true

Today Is T's Birthday. He is now the big 3-0! Happy Birthday to the greatest man alive. You are my everything (as corny and cheesy as that sounds). You are there no matter what, even if you don't know what to say or do sometimes, it is just the being there that helps. You are more than I could have ever hoped for and definitely more than I deserve. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I hope that during our lives together I can make all of your dreams come true.

And it's already CD 9

Seems kind of crazy. Everyday I check all of the blogs that I read and come on here to see whats happening. Then I sign-in and try to think of what to write about. Then nothing happens. i have been so stressed out and feeling like crap lately that I can't think of anything aside from what is going on. I am so stressed that I even missed day 2 of my Clomid. I can't believe I did that. But that is what happens when your Mom is staying with you and you are driving her to work and back 30 minutes away all while trying to figure out how to tell her she is going to have to find somewhere else to stay. I won't go into it, but things got bad and she had to go. Now I am having a quite serious RA flare (have I mentioned that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis?). I am in pain. Bad, bad, bad pain. I'm swollen and can hardly move without making some sort of noise. I will be eating Aleve like it is going out of style because I can't take anything else. Ugh. Pain. Suffering. Blah.

Hopefully my next post is happier.

Death by chocolate

It makes everything better. A big bowl of it and I am over Cycle #19. I started my bitch pills last night on good ole CD 3. God I hope this is the cycle. We would be due on our 2nd wedding anniversary. How awesome would that be? Also, if this is not the cycle then we will be back to our original EDD in November. It's just to depressing to imagine.

Also, it would be a perfect time because we have a trip to DisneyWorld planned for the end of May and I would be around 20 weeks pregnant. Baby's first trip. How sweet would that be?

It's so nice to be in that hopeful part oof my cycle. No tests, no wondering. Just hope and lots of it.

The meaning of all those tears

AF came yesterday. So today is CD2. I pick up Clomid tomorrow. Cry. Cry. Cry. Be a jealous heinous bitch. Thanks everyone for wishing me a good cycle.

PS. I have a very, very good friend Heidi who just got her BFP yesterday. I am sooooooo happy for her. Go over there and wish her well.

At what point is it acceptable?

At what point in your cycle do you find it acceptable to curl up in your bed and just cry? Cry for a very long time. Cry so much that you can't breath. When do you let yourself feel like your heart is literally in the back of your throat and you don't know how to get it back down? Does it ever matter what else is happening around you?

Today I hit that point in my cycle. I cried while driving around alone. As soon as I dropped everyone off the tears flowed and they just wouldn't stop. Honestly, I don't know what all I am crying about. I just am. Now I will go climb in my bed and wait for T to get home. I may even read some sad blogs and whatnot just to add to the sadness.

And yes, one reason is because I am sure AF is on her way. I have got cramps. Bad cramps. looks like we are heading onto Cycle #20. Yay!

Sometimes

There are times when I wake up crying. This was one of those mornings. I had a dream that i got a BFP and was just so excited that I was crying. That made the BFN that I got this morning really fucking blow. I am either 11 or 12 DPO. Never get early BFPs so I have no idea what makes me think I will or why I get so sad when I don't. I hate those freakin' BFP dreams. It seems like every cycle I have atleast 1. The tests in my dream were FRERs but they looked like snow globes kind of. Very strange.

He acted surprised

Of course I had to test. It was a BFN. And T acted surprised that I tested, lol. I am either 10 or 11 DPO today. I never get early BFPs but I still love to test. It is an absolute addiction. I won't be testing again until Friday, ya know, I don't wanna waste and whatnot.

As far as symptoms go, I am nauseous constantly and can't really eat a lot. I have the. worst. heartburn. ever. It really blows. My poor boobies are pretty sore and feel heavy, oh so heavy. I have also been cramping a lot. I love that my symptoms could be AF or stress related. And for the record I am not on wither side of the I think I'm pregnant, no I'm not deal today. It changes by the minute.

What Does It Mean?

7.2 ? I got my progesterone level back today. I was only 1 or 2 DPO. The nurse was clueless. She couldn't tell me anything other than my GYN said that it was positive. I really wish I could have answered when my doctor called so I could have asked her.

Here is a real LOL for all of you fellow POASaholics. The nurse said "If you're period is late take a home pregnancy test." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I just laughed and said "I will."

Please, share your wisdom with me lovely ladies!

I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...

scared. No, not really. But every time I say I am excited I think of the Saved by the Bell episode where Jessi is hooked on caffeine pills and she sings that and cries into Zach's arms. But, enough of that mumbo jumbo, now for the real news.

I am OVULATING!!! I am so very, very happy to hear this! I went in on Tuesday morning for my progesterone draw and my GYN called this morning (yes, on a Sunday) and left a voicemail saying that my labs showed that I did indeed ovulate on the 50 mg of Clomiphene!!!! The only problem that I have is that I guess all of this time I have not been ovulating. Boo for that. But no wonder I haven't gotten pregnant for the last zillion cycles. I will be calling tomorrow morning to find out exactly what my levels were because for some reason I think hearing them will make me feel something or tell me something magical.

In other news I am feeling soooooo very nauseous and have been all day long. I also have heartburn and have had it since yesterday morning. I can't help but get my hopes up. I will not be testing until Friday though. I should be 11 or 12 DPO.

Baby Talk

When the conversation turns to talk of babies (actually being pregnant) what is the acceptable thing to do? Just act like you don't hear it? You can't do that, you are in this conversation and everyone else knows it. Should you try to make everyone uncomfortable so they change the subject? No, that wouldn't be very friendly of you. Do you just shake your head like you understand what they are going through and you are not pissed that they are complaining about the fact that they are actually pregnant? This is typically me. The one who doesn't want to hurt someone's feelings. All the while I am thinking, you are such a bitch for sitting here complaining about how miserable you are and how you can't wait for it to be over. How about this, how about you be happy that your stupid ass is pregnant at all?! Here we are on the 19th try, so yeah, thanks for making me hate you.

What do you do when the conversation turns?

She's Sure

First a little back story. My Mom is living with us. She just came a little over 2 weeks ago. I don't really share the fact that I am technically infertile with anyone. Noone understands secondary infertility anyway. On with the story now.

I have had lots of appointments lately and 2 since she has been here, 1 for an ultrasound and 1 for bloodwork yesterday to check my progesterone. She has since taken to telling people that I am pregnant and just not telling anyone. Too bad it is untrue. I told her that is not the case, I actually cannot get pregnant. She took it as a joke. Now I get to sit down and actually tell someone aside from T that we are a couple suffering from secondary infertility. Whoo! Go me!

As if not being pregnant is not fun in and of itself, now I will have family and friends of family thinking that I am. If only it were that simple. Plus, where exactly does she think it is her business to tell people if we aren't doing it? I will also have to talk to her about this. It is not her news to share. It is our news and we will share it when the time comes. She has no idea how hard it is to tell everyone you are pregnant then have to make the announcement that you no longer are and it is not because you gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby. Now I just feel like screaming "Mind your own fucking business bitch!". But we all know that isn't happening.

Who knows what will happen next. We will talk, I just don't know when. I am not ready for the questions that I don't have answers to myself.

Let the Countdown Begin

The 2WW is always a huge killer for me. I am (I think) officially 1 DPO. I have been testing and testing and testing and finally broke down yesterday and bought some FRER OPKs, came home, took one and it was for sure positive. So exciting!!!! So now we wait. And hope that we made a baby. On Tuesday I have my blood drawn to check my progesterone which will of course show I am not Oing because it will only be 3 DPO and not 7 like it needs to be. So, if I am not pregnant this time I am sure they will up the Clomiphene.

During this 2WW I go through a ton of "I think I am pregnant" to "I know I'm not, it will never happen" thoughts. I drive myself crazy. Of course I start testing entirely to early because I talk myself into it. This month I am officially waiting until I am at least 10 DPO and then, if it is a BFN I will wait until I am late for AF. Now, i wonder how many times I have told myself that exact thing.

So, I am sure the next few weeks will be crazy with posting about reasons i am pregnant and reasons I am not.

It Is a Job Sometimes

Noone ever told me that when you are TTC for a long eventually sex becomes a job (or at least you feel that way). I think I am ovulating today so we have been BDing (baby dancing) every night the past few nights and will continue to do so until we are sure that I did O. There are nights (or mornings or afternoons) when we know we have to do it and just aren't feeling it completely. But that could be the only chance we have to conceive, so we do it. When I feel like it is work, I just remember the fact that eventually we will get paid I know that to T this may actually sound bad, but it's not. There are never times when I feel like I don't have a choice, there are just times when I would rather be sleeping or when I know he isn't really feeling it.

I always thought that I would never let it get to the point where we were like "Ugh, we have to do it tonite." But all of you infertile myrtles know exactly what I am talking about here. Sometimes you are fighting, or sick or hurt and you sit and try to figure out what you are going to do to get the job done. You say to yourself, I may be completely stopped up and achy all over but it is happening tonite. He may be acting like a huge douche right now but I will get over it for a few minutes to (maybe) make a baby. His leg hurts, well shit, we will figure something out, a little pain is worth it.

You eventually get over trying to always make things fun and exciting. More than half of the time there is no foreplay aside from squirting some sperm-friendly lube in various places. I see things on other ladies blogs saying some of the same things. Never feel alone in your "I don't want to, but I have to" thoughts. Know we are all at some point lying there dreaming of a baby.

Eating and Drinking (In)Fertility

All of you that are TTC know about the "Fertility Diet". No sushi (I don't eat it anyway), no alcohol, no lunch meat or hot dogs. Soft cheeses are out the window as well as artificial sweeteners.

In the beginning we all follow this religiously. So scared of that little possibility that there is indeed a baby in there. That your eggs could be damaged from that 1 wine cooler or hot dog. You even tell people that you can't eat it because you are trying and want to be careful. You miss out on your favorite meals and dishes at holidays "just in case".

But me, I am so over this diet. If it is not 8 DPO or later I have myself a drink. The first 2 weeks of my cycle I try my damnedest to drink all the Jaeger I can handle. I don't even worry about skipping out on foods that are not pregnancy friendly. I figure when I get that BFP I will stop eating hot dogs and lunch meat.

What exactly is one to do at parties and or when going out with friends? Fake it ladies, fake it. You know you can. Order something fruity looking or make yourself a "special" drink. I know personally we are having a New Year's Eve party this year at our house and I will be well into the 2WW (two week wait after you ovulate until your next AF). Typically, I drink, and a lot. This year I will be very obviously not inebriated and be drinking some sort of sparkly clear drink with some grenadine or something in it. Ugh. The fun of fucking infertility.

Up next : What do you want to know? Give me something you have wondered about or wish that someone had told you when you were early in TTC.

Thanks for the comments! I am so happy to know that someone is actually reading all of this and understands just where I am coming from. T knows and is actually reading this right now and making me uncomfortable.

I Know, I Know

I was supposed to post Eating and Drinking Fertility today. I will. I promise. Buuut, there is much more exciting news! I am on CD 14 today and have an ultrasound to check for ovulation! I took an OPK on Sunday and it was almost positive. I kind of forgot to hold my pee yesterday so I will take another today and it should be positive. I am really excited. My shortest cycles in forever. I will be back very soon (I am the first appointment of the day) and tell you all about everything!

Also, I have followers! And ones I don't know! I'm not to sure if I want to share this blog with my IRL friends or not, we will see. I still haven't told T about it, lol.

Hey followers, leave me little message about your journey. I would love to hear from you!


Update: I took a little longer than I expected because we had some people to pick up at the airport. Anyway, I have one follicle that is 15mm. The ultrasound tech said that I should O in a day or 2 from her experience. She was very nice. She said it looks like I am responding just right to the Clomid and no multiple dominant eggs. Yay for a good O!

Someone also said something about not being able to post a comment so I am going to check that out right now.

#1 on the "To Don't" List

How is it that everyone thinks that they can tell you "Don't stress" and that will be enough to make you not do it? If that were the case then I would tell T to go and win the lottery and guess what... he would. I feel like TTC has put me on edge and now I stress out about the littlest things.

I stress when my socks are all dirty. I stress when I spill something on the floor. I stress when I find out someone is coming over last minute. I really seem to stress when I find out someone is coming at all. Obviously I stress about the real issues in life, such as when (or if) I will ovulate or how long my cycle will be. I stress about whether I will be pregnant by the anniversary of our loss. I stress about eventually having a nursery. I stress about how I will feel when I am pregnant, who I will tell.

Well, here is what I do to de-stress. I just sit around and blame other people. I blame people we know for having kids so easily. I blame the lady across the street for having so many damn kids. I blame the asshole at Walmart for having a pregnant wife and looking like he's 12 and so is she. I blame the nurses at my OB/GYN's office because they don't call me back fast enough to tell me I'm not pregnant, or I'm not ovulating. I blame my family for stressing me and making me mad. I blame T for everything noone else can be blamed for.

So, when stress gets the best of you, pick someone and make it their fault. Unless of course it really is your fault, then get the eff over it.

Tell me what you stress about. Get it out. You can even tell me who you blame for what if you want.

Tomorrow: Eating and drinking fertility.

Month after month after month after month after month after month

I thought I'd give you the play-by-play of my life. This is through the eyes of a 24 year-old veterans eyes. Give or take (most likely give) a few crying sessions.

Here is how my cycles go pretty much every month (give or take a few days depending on how AF is feeling):

CD (cycle day) 1 Take a test first thing in the morning, BFN (big fat negative) of course, cry. Get AF (aunt flo/period). Think, I could still be pregnant, this could be implantation, take another test. BFN. duh. Ball my eyes out.

CD 3-7 Take Clomid. Feel like something is going to happen for sure this month. Turn into the biggest bitch ever. Realize I'm being a bitch, but the Clomid makes it impossible to stop.

CD 8-around 21 Wonder if I actually will ovulate or did ovulate. Take about a million OPKs. Spend a ton of money on them. Check my CM like a crazy woman. Rub it between my fingers and see if it stretches.

CD 14 go to GYN for an ultrasound to check for ovulation

CD 21 got to GYN for progesterone blood draw

CD 21- CD between 29 and 35 Don't drink. Don't do any heavy lifting. No big bumps. Think I am pregnant. Think I'm not. Think I am. Think I'm not. Absolutely know I am. Test. Test. Test. Test. Test. Spend tons of money on HPTs (home pregnancy tests) just in case the cheaper ones are not as good. Get AF. Cry.

Throughout cycle Take prenatals, folic acid and baby aspirin religiously. Cry a zillion times because someone is pregnant and I am not. Think about "this time next year". Keep trying to keep my hopes in perspective. Tell myself I won't be pregnant so if I am I will be pleasantly surprised.

Tomorrow: Stress. Enough said.

Do I Make You Feel Bad About Yourself?

I always wonder this when I talk about our struggle to our friends. Do I make you feel bad about the fact that you can get pregnant and we can't? Do I make you afraid that things won't work out for you when you guys decide to try? Do I make you uncomfortable when I talk about our loss because you don't know what to say?

It seems like when you are struggling with infertility everyone asks you if you are pregnant all the time. I guess they really don't, but that question every now and then (even though it usually is not so straight-forward) makes you feel like you are asked all the time. I guess having to answer "No, not yet" just doesn't seem good enough for an answer. I always want to say something like "It's not because we haven't been trying". I mean really people, you should see how much I have spent on OPKs, how often I check my CM. All of the bloodwork I have done every month. Maybe the fertility medications and extra pills that I take everyday will make you understand. But, instead, I sit around feeling bad about myself because I can't get pregnant when everyone in the world thinks it is so easy.

Is it ever OK just to be a total bitch and make your friends and family uncomfortable about the fact that you can't have a baby? I am guessing not. But when you are 24 and everyone keeps saying "You're young, it will happen, you have plenty of time." you really just want to punch them in the throat. Make them feel a little of the pain and breathlessness that you go through month after month after month.

Way back when we first got married everyone asking was sweet, then when 6 months passed and nothing happened except for my cycles getting longer every month I started to give harsh answers. Then we got pregnant and I couldn't hold it back and not tell people. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It ruined our journey for everyone, not just us. Before the miscarriage I could talk to a few friends and they didn't completely "get" my heartbreak, but they were comfortable talking about it and offered support. Now, 19 cycles from the first, noone mentions that baby, noone talks about how fun the trying is, noone says "I can't wait to be pregnant buddies with you". Now people hesitate to tell us things. Unless they are the rude, heartless, a-holes who like to spring things on you. We have friends who have already prepared us (although I am sure it was just them saying it, not for our benefit) that they will be trying in about 5 or 6 months. When they get pregnant on the first try it will break my heart, but only because I won't be by then. I can feel it. Now how crazy is that, ruling out tons of cycles before they are even here.

Tomorrow: The stages of a cycle, through a 24 year-old veterans eyes.

2 times in 1 day, hmmmmmmmm

I thought I'd come back while I had time. I know so many of you are so enthralled, lol. The main reason I wanted to start this blog is to show other young women that infertility has no age limit. I am only 24 and suffering from it. I have friends on BBC that are 20 and 21 and are suffering from it. It does not discriminate. I just want you to know, you are not alone. I'm here and will talk all about it.

I am fairly positive that I will be ovulating fairly soon because I am having some serious cramps, mostly on my left side. I am so excited for my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday so that I can find out how things are going with the Clomid. My face is breaking out nicely, too so that is another great sign. T has a pretty large blood clot in his leg so we were trying to figure out how to take advantage of the "Clomid timing" without breaking it off and killing him. Luckily, we were cleared for doing the baby dance today at the doctor. I definitely would have hated to waste a Clomid cycle for the following reasons
1.) I was a total and complete bitch. I knew I was being a bitch and just couldn't stop myself. I kept thinking, "Oh my god, did I really just say that?" "Did I really just do that?" Poor T just kept saying he would be glad when I was done with those bitch pills.
2.) They cost money, they were super cheap, but still. Money is money, who wants to waste it?
3.) The cramps are freakin horrible. They are hurting all the way through to my back.

So far we have just been avid OPK (ovulation prediction kit) users. Also, I can always tell by my CM (cervical mucous) when I am close to ovulating. I need to start using my BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer so I can be sure things are happening. I got a negative OPK yesterday and didn't do one yet today.

Tomorrow's topic: How people we know handle our infertility.


Dec 19, 2009 9:35 PM

This may be my first time, but I ain't no virgin.

My first official makin a baby blog post! So exciting. I am going to be blogging alllllll about the good, the bad, the ugly and hopefully at some point the beauty of TTC.

I will start with a little bit of back story on us. We (T - my husband and me - I know, I is more appropariate but I don't want to confuse you already) have been TTC (trying to conceive) since June of 2008. That is around 19 cycles. This being #19. How depressing is that? But, I go on. We were married in October of 2008, just a few months after we started trying. I am 24 (November 2009) and T is going to be 30 (January 2010). I had a son in 2003 so we never thought TTC would give us such a problem, I am Fertile Mertle as far as we were concerned. He was not made with T but T is his father.

We have gotten pregnant. February of this year we conceived, got a faint positive in March, then we miscarried at 10 weeks on April 23, 2009. It was the. worst. day. EVER. Losing a child is the worst feeling in the world. But I will talk about this more later I am sure.

Right now I am on CD 10. I took Clomid (a pill to induce ovulation) from CD 3 thru CD 7. Hopefully I will ovulate sometime this coming week. This past cycle was my shortest (29 days instead of the normal 34) so that is great. I go in on Tuesday (CD 14) to check for signs of ovulation through ultrasound. Then I go in on CD 21 to have a blood draw for progesterone. That is pretty much this cycle all summed up. Later, I will go into more detail.

I want

to create my own blog background, layout, whatever you wanna call it. Does anyone know how I could go about doing that? I really don't want to pay for a layout, but i might. I can't find one that is me.

Also, another smiley face this morning. Woohoo!

Negatives

Those damn negatives. I get so sick of seeing them all the time. I just started using the ClearBlue Easy Digital OPKs and they are negative. They should be fucking positive by now. It seems like all cycle, every cycle I get negatives on everything. Whatever though, I guess it will get positive soon enough.

On another note, did anyone else watch "The Pregnancy Pact" on Lifetime? I know that for some very strange reson I DVRed it and now my heart is breaking. I remember being 17 and pregnant. I was scared. There was not pact. I love little B, but he was an accident, something that shouldn't have happened. I remember even at 17 I felt horrible knowing there were so many women who ready to be mothers and can't have it happen. It just wasn't fair that I could have a baby and they couldn't. Now I am one of those ladies that I felt sorry for, one of the ones who just can't get pregnant.

As soon as I get that positive on my OPK you will all be aware, lol. I know you care!

UPDATE: I got a smiley face on my OPK about an hour ago!!! I guess you know what will be happening tonight at my house! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Try, Try Again

I am the Babbling Bitter Bitch. I had a blog and I loved it so! I let me, being the Bitter Bitch that I am, get the best of me and I deleted it. Broke my heart, but what broke my heart more is that people couldn't respect that I am a person and have feelings that are not always so sweet and friendly. I tend to be a friendly person, but my goodness this infertility crap has just turned me into a horrible, jealous person. Be back soon to fill you in on us.