Monday, January 25, 2010

Do I Make You Feel Bad About Yourself?

I always wonder this when I talk about our struggle to our friends. Do I make you feel bad about the fact that you can get pregnant and we can't? Do I make you afraid that things won't work out for you when you guys decide to try? Do I make you uncomfortable when I talk about our loss because you don't know what to say?

It seems like when you are struggling with infertility everyone asks you if you are pregnant all the time. I guess they really don't, but that question every now and then (even though it usually is not so straight-forward) makes you feel like you are asked all the time. I guess having to answer "No, not yet" just doesn't seem good enough for an answer. I always want to say something like "It's not because we haven't been trying". I mean really people, you should see how much I have spent on OPKs, how often I check my CM. All of the bloodwork I have done every month. Maybe the fertility medications and extra pills that I take everyday will make you understand. But, instead, I sit around feeling bad about myself because I can't get pregnant when everyone in the world thinks it is so easy.

Is it ever OK just to be a total bitch and make your friends and family uncomfortable about the fact that you can't have a baby? I am guessing not. But when you are 24 and everyone keeps saying "You're young, it will happen, you have plenty of time." you really just want to punch them in the throat. Make them feel a little of the pain and breathlessness that you go through month after month after month.

Way back when we first got married everyone asking was sweet, then when 6 months passed and nothing happened except for my cycles getting longer every month I started to give harsh answers. Then we got pregnant and I couldn't hold it back and not tell people. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It ruined our journey for everyone, not just us. Before the miscarriage I could talk to a few friends and they didn't completely "get" my heartbreak, but they were comfortable talking about it and offered support. Now, 19 cycles from the first, noone mentions that baby, noone talks about how fun the trying is, noone says "I can't wait to be pregnant buddies with you". Now people hesitate to tell us things. Unless they are the rude, heartless, a-holes who like to spring things on you. We have friends who have already prepared us (although I am sure it was just them saying it, not for our benefit) that they will be trying in about 5 or 6 months. When they get pregnant on the first try it will break my heart, but only because I won't be by then. I can feel it. Now how crazy is that, ruling out tons of cycles before they are even here.

Tomorrow: The stages of a cycle, through a 24 year-old veterans eyes.

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