Sometimes the pain of our loss seems so fresh, as if happened just yesterday and I am still trying to believe it. T told me about some good work friends that were pregnant. I have to admit, they didn't seem like kid people and I was jealous because it was them and not us. Yesterday he told me that they had miscarried and the wife had to have a D&C. It broke my heart. I just felt so sad for them. I know that hurt, that pain. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I still feel that way some times. I remember in the days following the ultrasound just crying. Crying so much that my eyes were swollen almost shut. I remember not talking about it but still just bursting into tears. Worrying about what people would think, if they would look at me weird. I remember feeling like a bad wife because T was the one who had to tell everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to say it, because if I said it then it was real. I also remember after, wondering if T had been as sad as I was. Thinking that I should have been more supportive of him instead of only thinking of myself. He had hopes and dreams just like mine. Our baby already had a name. We had looked at bedding and furniture and narrowed our choices. I can't help but wonder if they are feeling the same way.
After T told me that I couldn't stop thinking about how little is done for you when you lose a baby. I told him about the woman in the ultrasound waiting room yesterday who was crying tyring to get in touch with her husband. She was alone there, pregnant and far enough so that you could tell. They found a bleed and it wasn't good. Yet there she was crying in the waiting room with everyone else just sitting there. Why is there not somewhere more private for situations like that? When T told me about this couple I wanted to give him a list of resources, things that could be found on-line to give to her. Then I thought that would be stupid and weird. I know that personally I would have loved to have found this community (The wonderful LFCA) earlier, when my loss was something that had just happened and I was paralyzed with sadness. I would love to do something in our community, try to get resources to hospitals and doctor's offices. Anything really, so that women have something, somewhere to go when they feel like there is nowhere.
Does anyone have any suggestions about how I might go about this? Possibly contacting the March of Dimes?
7 months ago