Holy shiznit

It has been for-effing-ever since I posted last. I'm doing so now from my iPhone which both ducks and is awesome.

Little Miss Delia is doing great from everything we know. A few weeks ago she decided to test us and see if she could go ahead and come out but we quickly changed her mind with procardia and bedrest.

29 weeks 6 days
The good: she's still in there. She moves a ton. She will be here in no time.

The bad: contractions. She's frank breach.

The ugly: I am an emotional freaking basketcase. I started freaking out yesterday when I realized that in5 weeks, if she comes she won't be stopped. Scarey.

23 weeks 3 days

First of all I am excited to have made it this far. I seem to be having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions. I talked to my OB about the whole scar tissue and breastfeeding deal and she said that I need to make an appointment with the Nurse Practiotioner who is also the laction consultant there. I am hoping things will work though. I seem to only leak from 1 breast and it is the one that doesn't have the big scar tissue on it so I am sort of freaked about that. We have an appointemnt on Monday for another ultrasound to check her heart and stuff out and make sure she's still a girl, lol. Starting next week I will be at the office every week for the rest of my pregnancy. Kind of scarey to think about.

I have a new background and I am super excited about it! I need to get back to blogging and be fun again, lol. There are a few bloggy ladies that I am just so excited for so I thought I'd tell you to go over and share in the joy they have going on. Sonja just brought home Liam a few days ago, the first of her quads to come home and that is huge. They will all be home before she knows it! Rachel just got the call last week that her family was growing by 1 and her story of those first days is just amazing.

The good: Still the movement. I love it. It makes everything so real. It helps me feel better about things when I get worried and it reassures me that she is in there and growing. my belly is growing and I love it. You can tell I'm pregnant more and more all the time.

The bad: I have so much trouble getting to sleep. I just can't get comfortable. Between my belly and my flare that won't quit I just can't seem to be comfortable enough to not toss and turn all night long.

The ugly: The heartburn. It effing sucks.

22 weeks 3 days

I am turning into a bad blogger. I am not good at commenting these days and as you know just generally sucking at updates. Today I read quite a bit of good news on some of the blogs I read and want to just tell everyone that I am thinking of you and really, really hoping that things work out for you ladies and your families!

The good: D moves all the time. Like, all the time. She is going to be a partier, lol.

The bad: heartburn, not being comfortable when I try to sleep.

The ugly: moodiness. Yay.

21 weeks 3 days

Things have gotten boring. I feel like there is nothing really to post. I have my very first completely routine (I hope) OB appointment this Thursday. No ultrasound, no freaking out, no pelvic (fingers crossed). Just measurements, weight, heartbeat, and questions. I have a few for them. My biggest concern is breastfeeding. I had nipple piercings and they are closed up but the scar tissue isn't so great so I am a little concerned as to whether it will work out or not. Also we have a mini-vacation planned for September but I start weekly progesterone injections in a few weeks and I will be around 32 weeks for that trip and I just need to be sure that we will be OK for a trip around 5 hours away. I will also start having weekly growth ultrasounds and non-stress tests at 32 weeks so it should be very busy!

The good: D moves alllllll the time! T even feels her sometimes. You can tell that I am pregnant, that is if you know me. We have been shopping and gotten her some really cute stuff. I will have to post pictures of some of it along with her bedding set.

The bad: heartburn. This girl better have a crapload of hair is all I can say.

The ugly: My emotions. I have banned myself from many things, like country music and lots of shows because I can't stop crying sometimes.

18 weeks and what I've got a'cookin'...

We had our anatomy ultrasound yesterday. It was a Level 2 which pretty much meant that the MFM OB did part of it. She got all the measurements she wanted and said things are looking great!!! We also found out that we are expecting a sweet little girl!

The good: we know what we're having, Shopping and BEGIN!!! I feel good. Hungry all the time, but good. She moves around quite a bit now, it feels super wierd.

The bad: nasal congestion. It sucks!!!!!!!

The ugly: I tend to be a hormonal mess, lol.




.

This is why people google dream interpretations

PREGNANCY!!!

I have been having lots of odd dreams about the baby. I never go full term in my dreams. The baby is either born at 28 weeks or 32 weeks but is completely healthy and can go home immediately. I dream of a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes just like T and she is absolutely beautiful! The dream I had a few nights ago she was born at 32 weeks and she was 15 pounds 7 ounces. What the eff!?!?!?!

I am pretty sure that these are all fears of mine and maybe my mind telling me that everything will be alright no matter what happens. I am terrified of early labor and the baby being in the NICU because it absolutely sucks and I don't want it to happen again. I would love, love, love a girl and even though my intuition is saying girl, I fear that it will be boy because I say I want a girl. Not that I don't want a boy too. Another sweet little cutie who loves his Momma like crazy! The huge baby thing, I know that is because this GD thing has me scared that our baby will be huge. We keep joking that Blaine will be sharing clothes with the baby it will be so big.

We will see our baby in less that 48 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17 weeks, almost half.way.there.

We are sosososososososo clooooooosssssse to half-way there that I can taste it, lol. Literally. Because you better believe that I will be scarfing down sweets and carbs as soon as this kid gets out. We have our Level 2 ultrasound next Thursday at 17w6d. We are hoping that we can gind out the sex that day.

There was a small scare on Tuesday. I was having some pretty intense cramps and a few days before had a little mucousy blood. I called the OB and they said to get in right away. They did an ultrasound to check my cervical length and all that good stuff. Cervix looks great, no funneling so woohoo for that! We took a peek at the baby and it was so cute, it has grown so very much. We got a picture of it's head and torso and a little leg. The spine stood out so perfectly. Then we got a picture of and arm and hand. I love this kid!

Something that I hadn't really thought about happening was the jealousy that I still feel toward women who get pregnant so easily or on accident. I just can't help it. Atleast it's not towards people I know these days. Mostly the girls from high school who are 23 or 24 and on kid number 4. Fucking 4! Are you shitting me? Anyway. It's weird, kind of makes me feel odd.

The good: Little one is moving around. Not a ton, mostly just rolling around. We are super close to knowing the sex of the baby. We already have names all picked out!

The bad: As usual, constipation. I can't sleep on my stomach comfortabley. I have constant pelvic pain, I guess since things are spreading.

The ugly: My emotions are out of whack big time. Anything can make me wanna cry. We saw a dead dog on the road a few days ago. I teared up because it had a collar on and since it had a collar on that meant it was someone's pet and somebidy was gonna be so sad when they realized their doggy wasn't coming home. I'm crying a little now just thinking about it.

16 weeks. wow.

For some reason I can't believe I am 16 weeks, we are less than 2 weeks from having our Level II and hopefully finding out the sex. B is super excited about the baby and constantly thinking of it. He even wanted to rent it a movie at Blockbuster a few nights ago. I am sooooo excited!!!!

The good: My belly is getting bigger and harder. I feel the baby, in fact I just felt a big thump. I love it. it seems like I get flutters when T touches my belly, I think maybe becuase my heart starts beating faster or something, lol.

The bad: Constipation is back and with it has come cervical bleeding every now and then. Freaks. me. out.

The ugly: I am moody. Yes, still.

I've got it

Gestational Diabetes that is. Just waiting to get ahold of the Diabetic Counselor tomorrow for an appointment. Lucky me, I get to test my glucose 4 times a day and be on an awesome ass diet.

15 weeks

I went yesterday for my 3-hour test. Sooooo boring. I did read almost all of "Where the Heart Is" for the zillionth time during my 1 hour waits. I am super hopeful that I will know something today but they told me it may be Tuesday because of the holiday weekend. Even if I pass I still have to be on a "No concentrated sweets" diet for the remainder of the pregnancy. I am not looking forward to that, but whatever I have to do to keep the little one safe and keep me from giving birth to a 10 pounder.

The Good: We have our Level II in 3 weeks. YAY!!! I am feeling better, a lot better.

The Bad: Heartburn. Wow, I get it when I drink water or eat spicey food or somehting sweet or salty. I have it allllll the time.

The ugly: A few of my stretch marks are turning red again, which means they are starting to stretch and my belly is itching like crazy!

A few belly shots

Everything is starting to shift and lift and round out more. These are from today at 14wk 5d.

A big fat fucking fail...

I had my early Gestational Diabetes test yesterday. I totally expected to pass it. I was all cocky, assuming things were going to be perfect. I asked when I would hear back and she said 1-2 days and not at all if things were good.

Guess who got a call today?! Me. I had a voicemail and totally was hoping that maybe there was some sort of billing question or someone saying I needed to redo it because the lady messed up or something. Nope. Instead "Michelle" told me that my level was 156 and the cutoff is 135. Also not all to great since I had been fasting (not on purpose) and it was still that elevated. Now my Thursday morning will be spent having the 3 hour test done. I have to watch my sugar and carb intake until then.

I would love to say I can't believe I actually failed, but I can. I'm overweight and and technically had it with B's pregnancy but I had a shitty OB who didn't really care. I will keep you updated!

14 weeks

Sometimes I have this moment of "Holy shit, there is really a baby in there, this is seriously happening". It is an amazing moment each and everytime it happens

There has been some really awesome news on a few bloggy friend's ends and i couldn't be happier for them!

There was something else I wanted to put here but I cannot remember it.

The good: I am starting to feel the little one move. It's just little flutters and it made think I had bubble guts the first time, but it's there and it's OUR BABY! My belly is becoming actual preggo belly, like it won't suck in anymore and it still sticks out when I lay down. We have an ultrasound appointment in 4 weeks. We should find out the sex hopefully then as well as see whats up in the cervix department.

The bad: Not a lot to report here. I thought I could eat but I am back to small portions several times a day. Also, I can't get enough ice cream. It is bound to be the death of me. I have my first GD test on Monday and up until now it hasn't made me nervous. Now i am kind of freaking out. T keeps making fun of me when I eat things telling me that it is going to make me fail the test.

The ugly: Nada.

13w 3d OFFICIALLY 2nd TRIMESTER!!!!!!!!

I am pretty pumped about this!!! This is the most conclusive answer to when a trimester starts, every 13.3 weeks. So today, trimester 2 is here!!!!!!!!!

The good: I am actually able to eat a full meal now. Up until Saturday I could only eat maybe half of whatever it was that we were eating. Then Saturday I was hungry and I ate a lot, lol.

The bad: I still haven't gone into RA pregnancy remission, I am guessing that means it won't be happening for me. Boo. Constipation is so fortunately stepping back into my life and that makes me a little nauseous all the time.

The ugly: I seriously need an attitude adjustment. I can't keep from saying what is on my mind to people, even complete strangers. Watch out!!

12w 3d

For Mother's Day I got a baby monitor and 2 cards. It was a good day. It feels a little more productive to get something that isn't just cute, lol.

The good: I'm feeling good. No more headaches really so that is awesome.

The bad: Nausea and a horrible, horrible RA flare.

The ugly: I am an emotional wreck.

The proud Momma delivers!

I told you I would post pictures and now I am! As a majorly proud Momma I will post all 5 of them, lol.

11 weeks 5 days

I had an ultrasound and my first "real" appointment with my OB yesterday. Everything with the baby is looking great. Baby measured 11w4d with a heartbeat between 173 and 175. Our new OFFICIAL due date (because it has been seen 2 times at an US) is now November 19, 2010. YAY! It was overall a good appointment, we had lots of questions answered and got lots of reassurance from her. She said that I will have the 1-hour glucose test in 3 weeks because I was on metformin, even though it was just for ovulation not diabetes. In 6 weeks we will have a Level II ultrasound and since I will be almost 18 weeks we will hopefully find out the sex. I will then have monthly ultrasounds to check my cervix and all that fun stuff to be sure that I don't start dilating too early. It is pretty crazy that in 6 weeks we will know what we are having(hopefully). I will post pictures later today.

The good: EVERYTHING!!!

The bad: nothing this week.

The ugly: I got nothin.

10 Weeks

We have come farther than last year!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!! We are 1 week away from seeing our baby as well as 1 week from telling B that he is going to be a big brother and then telling everyone else. I had other stuff all typed up then lost the post so if I remember it I will be back.

The good: The usual.

The bad: I smell everything that smells bad so strongly!

The ugly: I am super moody.

Joining a club

I am joining a club of awesomeness. I have terrific pregnancy migraines. I thought I was dying yesterday. Terrible. That is all.

9 weeks

FINALLY!!!!!!! It takes forever it seeems to get to Sunday of every week. Not a lot going on around here. We went to the University of Louisville spring game on Friday. I told T that I am not sure if I am going to be able to make it to a game this fall, that makes me sad because this is the first year that he has season tickets and they are awesome so I am gonna miss it.

The good: My boobs just keep getting bigger and bigger.We are only 3 weeks from telling everyone and 2 weeks from seeing the Turkey again!

The bad: I have a killer headache. I can hardly move. When I move or bend over then I feel like I am going to puke and pass out. People are treating me like I am glass. I'm not.

The ugly: I don't know. Maybe the fact that I feel like I need something sweet everyday and ice cream is my preference.

And here is some sad. It will be 1 year on Wednesday that we found out that the baby we thought we would have was no longer alive. I am terrified. Only 1 week away from 10 weeks which I was when we found out. I will post more about it when I can think it through and figure out what I want to say.

Julie and Julia

I don't think I have posted anything about this movie before. I watched it for the first time several months ago when it came out on DVD. I fell in love. I love to cook and this movie is my new obsession now that it is on Starz. There are so many great parts and I love Meryl Streep. I know that any of you fellow IFers out there know why I am writing about it though if you have seen it.

There is 1 small scene, and it is amazing how much a short few seconds can make such an impression. For those of you who don't know *spoiler alert* there is a scene where Julia receives a letter from her newly married sister saying she is pregnant. Julia is so stunned that she has to sit down. She tells her husband and begins to sob. Then tells him that she is just so happy, but you can tell the heartbreak she is feeling. This is something that we are all so familiar with. The thrill of someone close being pregnant but the sadness knowing that you are not. Even as a preggo I still bawled and just felt all of that over again. That heartbreak. I was right there with her.

I know this was a pretty much pointless post, but hey, I was thinking about it.

8 weeks

I was 8 weeks yesterday. With the EDD changing all the time it seems like this is lasting forever!!! I am very excited that we are just 3 weeks away from our next Turkey sighting! It's great to know that the next time we see the baby it will look like one. A really, really great friend sent me a doppler that she used at the beginning of her pregnancy and I got it last week. I won't even try to use it for another week or so but I am very excited about that too!!!

The good: My boobs are HUGE! When I sleep, it is soooooo good. There is a baby in there. No more spotting or cramps. I am thinking boy. Weird, but I am.

The bad: There really is none to report! That is exciting!

The ugly: My cravings. Really?! 8 weeks and I am already craving things. STEAK!!!!! I want it all the time. A nice juicey steak sounds good like all the time.

A sigh of relief

Everything was great! The baby measured 7w3d so my EDD has changed yet again to 11-21-10, only 4 days from my birthday on the 25th. I was so happy to see it up there on that screen, I was also sad tht T was not there with me. The baby (who I feel is a boy) had a heartbeat of 158 and was wiggling, it made the tech laugh when she saw it. I love this little turkey. The tech gave me 3 really good pictures for T to see, 1 close-up and 2 farther away. It is amazing how much bigger it is!

Super

I have my follow-up with my OB tomorrow after my OB history appointment. I will have an ultrasound then have an exam. That is just super, except for the fact that I will be alone. Not too sure how I will handle having an ultrasound all by myself. What if it's bad? What if the baby died? What if it is going to die? What if there is something seriously wrong? How will I ever get home or even be able to call someone to come get me. T can't come because he is trying to build up his vacation/sick/comp time at work so when the baby comes he has plenty of time to take off if need be. I'm just scared. I honestly don't want anyone else to go with me aside from T, so I guess I'd rather risk it alone than ask someone else. I just don't want someone else to know anything before T does, if things are great I want to call him first. If something is wrong I want to tell him before I even think of anyone else.

We saw our sunflower seed last night

We had a small scare. I started to cramp really bad and the cramps were radiating through to my back and there was a little spotting. I freaked but tried to pretend like I was calm. We took a trip to the ER and everything was fine. The baby measured at 7w1d so 1 day ahead of schedule and it's heartbeat was 146. The tech even saw evyething from on top first then went inside with Mr. Wandy to check out my ovaries. Obviously the cramping and spotting is from the corpus luteum (sp?) cyst that every pregnant woman has. The tech said mine was just a little large, but that is fine. No cramping or spotting really since then and the spotting was so super light that I almost wasn't sure it was there. That is how it started with my miscarriage though so I was super scared. Seeing our baby and hearing that wonderful heartbeat was the best thing in the world. Nothing could have been better. I call Turkey-Lurkey a sunflower seed because that is it's size right now. So tiny!

7 weeks

Freakin' finally!!! It feels like I have been pregnant forever and I am only at week 7. I guess knowing for almost the last month does not help that at all. I am wondering if I should call the RE even though he didn't do anything for me aside from tell me I am overweight. I may call and just see what they say. All day yesterday felt kind of weird for me, last year I was almost 8 weeks and we had our first appointment. They confirmed the pregnancy so we mass-texted (yeah, I know, classy) everyone to tell them. I remember the day because we thought everyone woud think it was a joke for April Fool's. This weekend is Easter and last year I was pregnant for Easter too. The only difference is that not many people know and won't for quite a while.

Yesterday I got my March Secret Pals package. I was sooooo excited. I will take a picture and post it shortly. it was kind of like she read my mind, lol.

And now, our regularly scheduled programming.

The good: Once again, still pregnant. No morning sickness. No more constipation. Sleep is gooooooood. Filet O Fish from McDonalds, oh freakin yum!!!!!!!! We found the cutest little onesies and bought them because they are unisex and we knew they wouldn't be around much longer.

The bad: Emotions. These weeks are going by sooooo slow. I have been having cramps and they scare the shit out of me. Heartburn blows.

The ugly: My attitude freakin sucks. I go from nice to bitch instantly. Our house is a wreck. Dishes make me gag and dry heave. Cravings, when I want something it is the only thing I can eat without feeling like it is going to make a return appearance or waste half of it.

How nice

I got a call last night. It was just out of the blue and so very nice. My gyno called to congratulate me. I just thought it was very sweet. Even though I am aware that they don't really remember each and every patient they have, I do appreciate the fact that this office takes the time to make you feel special. My OB is in the same office (of around 12 physicians, half GYN, half OB pretty much) so I know that is how she found out. It was just so nice.

It feels a little strange that I am still only 6 weeks, lol. On Friday it will be 7 and that will be nice. Finally! I will do my 7 weeks post then. I am going a little crazy, lol. I sat on the couch last night watching "Ghost Whisperer" and crying. It was just so sad. I have always thought it was a poorly written and acted show but it has become an addiction for me. I have to watch it everytime it's on. I also started watching "McLeod's Daughter's" on Netflix again. I love it. I want to be Australian and work on a big beautiful farm. You should check it out! Also, I have been watching "Reba" like everyday. Also, a new symptom I think I am getting is random shortness of breath. Like last night, I was just sitting on the couch watching TV and all of the sudden I couldn't catch my breath. Then I started to feel dizzy. Blah!

Here it is

Oh my freaking god! Turkey-lurkey measured exactly 6 weeks today which is perfect based on my O date and now my EDD is 11-19-10. There was even a heartbeat that was at 106. Soooooo exciting. And here is a picture of it. It is blurry because we have no scanner and it is a picture of a picture.

Freaking the fuck out

I am really, really, really starting to freak out. My ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow at 9 am and I am soooooo scared. I even took another test today to make sure it is still darker. Today's $Tree test was darker than the control line so that made me feel good about it. I am just so scared that there will be nothing there or that there will be no heartbeat or something else crazy like that. T wants to have friends over on Saturday because he is planning on smoking some babyback ribs, but I told him we can't invite anyone until we know how things go tomorrow. I am just to scared to make plans. I also have an interview tomorrow afternoon at 1 and I am terrified that I am going to have to cancel it because I get bad news. I have been telling myself over and over that I was not going to freak out about this but now I suddenly am and T is not. He is so confident that things will be fine, that it couldn't possibly happen to us again. Oh. my. god. I am flipping out. I don't even know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I know I will get up super early in the morning. I'm so scared to go that I kinda wanna forget about it.

6 weeks

I love that my weeks start on Monday. It makes things so easy to keep up with. There isn't much going on around here this week. Doing a little spring cleaning. Searching for baby stuff because we like to be prepared. We have an appointment for an ultrasound on Friday when I will be 6w4d. As it is getting closer I am getting more worried. I am absolutely terrified that there will be nothing there. It will just be empty, no baby, no heartbeat, maybe not even a sac. I told T about this last week and I cried. I hate that I thought this.

The good: Still pregnant! No spotting, bleeding or anything! A little TMI here, the sex is awesome! I feel like cleaning which is amazing, lol.

The bad: Peeing all the time. Constipation or diarheaa. Sooooo bloated.

The ugly: Still really bitchy. Acne. Hemeroids. Woo! Boy am I emotional. yesterday we went to look for stencils and stuff too go with the nursery themes we have chosen then to the fabric store to look for fabrics for wall hangings. T's Mom passed away in May 2008, she loved to sew and I got all emotional leaving the fabric store. I couldn't stop myself from crying because I know how much she would have loved to make things for our baby. How happy she would have been for us. And here I sit again, crying. It just breaks my heart that she won't be here for this.

A little ICLW message

I want to give all of you the heads up on this blog. When I signed up for LFCA I thought this was the same as usual, a no-go but now I am pregannt. If you need to turn away now, I understand and commend you on doing so. Good luck ladies! Thanks for stopping by!

Something I stole

I stole this from a really good friend. I thought it was a good idea to keep track of everything I am going through. The normal update will be on Mondays but I wanted to get started now, lol.

5 weeks-

The good: I am pregant! I haven't puked. My boobs are filling out. I am looking at (and have purchased a few) items from the maternity section.

The bad: It's either constipation or diarheaa. Nausea keeps me from eating food I usually like. I'm having an aversion to chocolate. I have lost 3 lbs but can't buttin my pants because of the bloat.

The ugly: I am MEAN. I am impatient. I am starving all the time but nothing sounds good. Hemmeroids.

I just don't know

Every time that I think I will post I cry. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to hurt anyone by posting things that may break hearts. I don't want people to think I am trying to show off or throw it in their face that I am pregnant. Things that I want to post I just don't know about. I want to tell you how scared I am that next Friday there will be nothing on that screen. I want to say how broken hearted I will be if things don't work out. I'd love to say that I realized over the weekend that I think it is too early to do things, to get obsessed, to start looking and making decisions. I remember how it broke my heart the last time. We had names, had decided on bedding and room decor. T wants to look, he is sooo excited for this baby and everything that comes along with it. I am also very afraid that we won't get to make our Disney trip. There is a pretty strong possibility that I have an incompetent cervix and could develop pre-eclampsia earlier in pregnancy this time and a trip to walk around 3-5 miles a day could just be way too much. I will feel horrible if we can't go but even if we are given the OK I think I will be too scared to really enjoy it. I just don't know how to feel, what to write, or even do.

Some stuff

First of all, thank you everyone for the congratulations! And thanks to whoever submitted my news to LFCA! That was so sweet! It was nice to have someone else say Leda is pregnant, I may have cried. I won't completely only write about pregnancy, but it will be here. If you have to stop reading, believe me, I understand. I always read the pregnancy blogs because I was just so happy that it could happen for them. But I also know just how hard it is to read them. Long story short, whatever your decision I understand.

I feel like I need to tell you all how terrible I am feeling, guilty even, that it is me and not all of you. I also feel terrible because I am scared to death and not scared all at the same time. I haven't been feeling nervous but I have also tested 2 times a day every day since Saturday. I am out of test now and the fear is kicking in. I realized that the fear is caused by the fact that I won't be able to test tomorrow morning first thing and know it's true. I will be stopping at the $Tree when I pick up Papa Murphy's pizza tomorrow, they are next door, lol.

I have an appointment for an ultrasound on March 26 at 6w4d then if all is well my OB history on April 6 at 8w and another appointment for ultrasound on May 4 at 12w. That's pretty much it for right now. I will continue testing daily just to be sure of things. The line has been getting darker so that is good news. It was pretty dark at 12 DPO today so I am really happy with that! I will update more later.

Book Giveaway

I have 3 books that I have been meaning to get rid of and decided to do it today. It's not because I am pregnant but because I have learned all I can from them. I will give them to the first comment for each. Tell me which one you want. First come first serve. Click on them to see the book on a website.

A Few Good Eggs

Getting Pregnant

Waiting for Daisy

Do you know me in real life?

I am not really sure if anyone I know in my real life reads this blog. If you do then don't share our secret. We aren't going to tell anyone until I am around 13 weeks. Buuuuuuuuttttttt, if I do know you and you read this let me know so I can talk to you about it. PLEASE!!!!!!! Like, ya know, text me or something.

So, ummmmm. yeah.

I'm pregnant. Fucking pregnant. Holy Shit!!!!

Down 4 lbs since Wednesday!

I am so excited!!!!! I started out on Wednesday at 275 and today I am 271! I know my weig-ins are Mondays but I had to tell you so that if on Monday I have not lost as mcuh, I have this, lol.

Since we are "taking a break"

I am gonna keep posting my feelings on infertility. I can't stop that. I will *maybe* even post cycle stats, who knows? One thing I do know for sure is I am also going to be chronicling my weight loss journey here. I ain't skeered. I will be posting my weight every week (on Mondays) and the things that I do. Maybe daily, but most likely every other day so I don't bore you too awful much. Are you guys all OK with this? Anyone wanna join me? I'm calling this journey "Losing weight to gain a baby" and that is what I will title the posts with in case you don't care to read them, lol.

Anybody with me?

The appointment

I know, I know. I wasn't supposed to have this appointment with the RE but I did anyway. Pretty much I heard that I need to lose 75 pounds and to take a medical intervention break for 3-6 months. He thinks I will get pregnant on my own during this time as long as I dedicate myself to losing the weight and getting healthy. T decided that is what we will do and we mean it this time. I am looking for something to get into that will make me accountable. I need a workout buddy or something. I thought about weight watchers but I just don't know. We have gotten rid of the bad foods and I burned 200 calories on the WiiFit. I will be doing that 3 times a day. Once in the morning before everyone wakes up, again midday after lunch then at night while we watch TV or whatever. I love it because there is a free step option where you step up onto the balance board then off and it counts your steps. You change it over to the TV and listen to the controller. I love it!

He said that my next step is injectables and that would up my multiple risk because I am only 24. I (from what he says) would be at risk of all sorts of things if I were to carry multiples because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and the fact that I had Pre-Eclampsia. I am going to schedule T's SA for very soon and get that over with. I have a few things they are testing for. I think insulin and whatnot and thyroid and prolactin. I think that's it. If I think of anything else I will be back to update.

I know that BrownIris had her RE consult today too and I cannot wait for her to tell us all about it!


PS. I am 7 DPO and still hopeful for this cycle. Who knows? It could happen!

My-ology

First, boring boring boring. I'm 5 DPO. Scared about being pregnant (I'll address this in another post later when I can get my feeling sorted). Excited about the big possibility that I am. I have had extremely light spotting for 2 days. I am also having lower back pain and some lower abdominal pain. I have been reading about a few ladies who have cysts, so now I am totally paranoid.

This was over on Mrs. Joyner's blog .I was excited when I saw it because I am really into quizzes and whatnot lately (incase you couldn't notice). Obviously, I am supposed to tag some people. I tag all of you! So do it!



FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? french or catalina

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? Hmmmm. I really like Texas Roadhouse but i also love Olive Garden.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Taco Bell supreme burrito

What are your pizza toppings of choice? pepperoni and mushrooms

How many televisions are in your house? 3

What color cell phone do you have? teal and black



BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? my appendix

What is the last heavy item you lifted? a new shelf thinie we got for B's room

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? never

Have you ever fainted? when I was younger, like 11 or so I would pass out pretty often



BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? hell no!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? oh lord, 12ish

Last person you talked to? my hunny-bunny



FAVORITOLOGY:

Season: fall. the weather, the holidays, the colors

Holiday? Halloween

Day of the week? Saturday. It is me and T all day.

Month? October

Color? hot pink and orange

Drink? water or coca-cola classic

Alcoholic? jagermeister and monster



CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? T of course

What are you listening to? The 48 Hours Special on the West Memphis 3 (you should check it out and spread the word)

What are you watching? same as above

Worrying about? a lot and nothing at the same time

What's the last movie you saw? Tenacious D (I <3 Jack Black)

Do you smile often? I do. It's my favorite past-time

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't

What's on your wish list for your birthday? I want a Kindle, but that is too expensive. I will settle for a Georgia MudFudge Blizzard Cake from Dairy Queen

Can you do a chin-up? well of course...not

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? it depends on the day

Have you been in a car wreck? I have

Have you caused a car wreck? 2

Do you have an accent? I don't think so

Last time you cried? today and I won't discuss it

Plans tonight? dinner and TV

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I have

Name three things you bought yesterday? easter candy, nail clippers and T a contact case

Have you met someone who changed your life? my hunny-bunny

For the better or worse? better, duh

How did you bring in the New Year? not drinking because I was 2wwing it.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? maybe

What songs do you sing in the shower? none

Have you held hands with someone today? nope

Who was the last person you took a picture of? B

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? not new or old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? goodness no

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? it's been over a month at least

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? did T put his clothes in the dryer last night? also, is it to early to test?

The ABCs of my Infertility

A- areola, I study them daily and ask myself, are they bigger? darker, maybe?
B- bitchy. Every one of you knows exactly what I mean. Whoa hormones!
C- cervical mucous. I check it. all. the. time.
D- dildocam. Gotta love it.
E- eggwhite. the reason I check my cervical mucous so often. I need to seee it.
F- fucking with purpose. I have always believed in this, now there are just 2 purposes.
G- goo. Tons of different kinds of goo. My goo, his goo, fake goo, real goo. Dr Seuss so could have written books for infertiles.
H- hell. I feel like I am there a few days a month. In my hell you just cry and feel alone, like noone identifies with you.
I- infertile. I bet you are surprised, huh?
J- jumping up and down. I do this when I get a smiley face. Then I stop, because I don't want to jump the sperm out of the egg.
K- killer headaches. I thought I was immune to the Clomid headache. Oh was I ever wrong about that.
L- love. Infertility is making me realize just how much I love T and B.
M- moved to tears. I find that atleast 1 story a day moves me to tears.
N- never. I am at a place I never thought I'd be doing things I never thought I'd be doing. It is very humbling.
O- ovulation. The thing you have to do, but don't do, or maybe you do. You can just never do it good enough and there is no way to train for it. Sucks.
P- POAS (peeing on a stick). I love it. I. am. addicted. I pee on OPKs like they are going out of style then I pee on HPTs starting at about 7 DPO. Boy am I embarrassed that I told you that.
Q- q-tip test. I just discovered this last month. It's how I knew to expect AF. It's gross. And embarassing. And fun.
R- rara! Sometimes I like to pretend to be a cheerleader for the sperm and my egg. You have no idea how awkward it is to cheer for both teams.
S- sex. On the couch. In the bed. On the floor. Pretty much anywhere. Who cares as long as it works.
T- taking charge of my own care. I had to do this, don't be surprised if you do too.
U- uvula. It's all I got, lol.
V- vagina. Very important.
W- wicked witch. I have turned into a wicked, evil witch with all of this bitterness and hatred I have going on.
X- xray. I got one and it hurt. Ok, it was an HSG but still.
Y- youth. I long for it. Those days when things were great and I had no idea the rollercoaster ride I was in for.
Z- zee end. ahahahahahahahaha. I'm sooo funny.

Smiley face, no smiley face

I got a smiley face on my OPK yesterday and then a negative today. I already ovulated with 1 days notice. OMFG. Thank goodness we took care of business, lol.

Question for some of you ladies. TMI coming up. This cycle a lot changed for me. I started taking metformin along with the clomd I was already on. I also had an HSG. These past few days I have had sooooooo much EWCM. I am guessing that is a good sign that things are working pretty well in there. Anyone else who has done any of this notice this change?

Tomorrow or the next day, the ABCs of infertility. Oh yeah. I know you're excited.

Just a quick thanks.

I appreciate all of the positive feedback on my last post about the hard decision that we made int he last post. I feel better knowing that other people think it is good too. Thank you all!!!!

Hard decisions

So, we have an RE appointment scheduled for March 3. That is next week and I just realized this yesterday. I think we decided yesterday that I will reschedule for 3 months from now. T will have his sexy-time with a cup. I will excercise, eat better and give the metformin some time to work. Also, I want to give it the 3 months after HSG and hope hope hope that we get knocked up. We decided to hold off because we have not had T's SA yet and I had all these changes in this last cycle. I just want to give things time to work before we go there asking for an IUI. I would really like to get pregnant for free, ya know. Anyway, that is where we are now. I am happy with it, T is happy with it and i think we both feel really good about the next few cycles. I feel like we have good things going for us. I guess the real test will be the 7 DPO progesterone draw to see if the metformin helped this cycle or not. Then I will talk to her more about progesterone suppositories for the 2WW. And upping the Clomid to 100mg because I refuse to do another 50mg cycle.

Welcome ICLW!

I see that most of the blogs that I go to during ICLW have a little introduction about themselves so I thought I'd do that too. I am Leda. T and I have been married for a year and a half and TTC for almost 2 years. We got pregnant in February of 2009 (last year) but lost that baby at 10 weeks on April 23. We have been trying since. Currently I am mid-cycle and have not ovulated yet. We are on our 3rd round of Clomid and I had an HSG last week so we are hoping for an HSG baby. We have a son, B, who is 6. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in April of 2007. I guess that's about it. Enjoy!

ETA: I decided I would do the ABCs of me. I just want to.

A- Alaska, the state I want to visit the most
B- is for B obviously, the coolest and cutest kid on the block, sometimes I can't believe he is our kid, lol
C- Cash, which we have none of, lol
D- dildocam, one of my favorite words to make people uncomfortable
E- Energy, something I am going to need for an awesome project I have planned (details to come soon)
F- fertile bitchs, sometimes you just have to be jealous
G- Gilmore Girls, I watch it every day
H- House Bunny, a horrible movie I watch all the time, it's so bad it's good
I- infertile, duh
J- Juno, just a little something I like to torture myself with
K- kiddos, they are why we are all here
L- love, I am just so absolutely full of it everytime I look into T's eyes or B's smile
M- movies, we are slightly addicted
N- Netflix, see above
O- orange, one of my favorite colors, it's so bright
P- pumpkins, they make me happy because I know it's fall
Q- Qdoba, I effing hate it
R- rude people, they are a major pet peeve of mine (so is the saying "pet peeve")
S- sexy-time. enough said.
T- is for the man in my life, T. I couldn't have found anyone more perfect for me
U- uranus, a joke that never gets old
V- vagina, I have one
W- winky, T has one
X- xylophone, I always thought it was crappy that the X alphabet card had such a long crazy doesn't make sense to a kid kind of word on it
Y- yummy, I love to cook delicious food
Z- zoo, our house looks like one

That was fun. I will do an infertility one soon.

Wow, that was fast

Here I am, already on CD 13 and just realized it when I went on fertility friend, lol. Seems crazy. I thought I was feeling some pain yesterday and that would explain it. I was afraid that the antibioitic didn't work and the HSG gave me an infection. I really have nothing to write about as far as fertility goes but I have had good news and great things to look forward to and get my mind off of IF every now and then. First, we had a new flat screen installed today! Yay us, we finally joined the rest of the world. T said he is a little disappointed just because now he doesn't have it to look forward to anymore. Also, I booked out trip to Disney World. We think B is just the right age and we will be there on a Star Wars weekend. I have tons already planned and tons left to plan as well. I have been so caught up in all of this that I lost track of my cycle, lol. Hope you are all well! Thanks for being there ladies!

Today

We have a shit-ton of snow once again and I am having an HSG done. The roads are "treacherous" as someone on the morning news said. I hate it. I hope it's not a bad sign. T is taking me so I feel a little better. Mostly I feel like crying when I think about it because I am so afraid they will find something. If they find something I don't know what it means, but I know it's not good. Does it mean we are done trying because it is never gonna work? Also, what does it mean if they find nothing? Why am I not actually ovulating? So many things to worry about now. My HSG is in 2 1/2 hours. I will update once we get back home


**UPDATE**
They said my tubes are all clear. Good news! Hopefully I will have an after HSG pregnancy!

Because I am boring (and bored)

I thought, in honor of Valentine's Day, I would post 143 things I love. Ya know, beacuse when people had pagers 143 was I love you. But, 143 things is a lot. So I added 1+4+3 times 10 to make 80. I think that is enough.

1. my family
2. my friends
3. the smell of clean laundry
4. the new TV that will be hanging on our wall next Saturday.
5. the excitement of our Disney trip
6. all of the distractions from being unpregnant
7. my phone
8. the internet on my phone
9. the awesome laptop i got last year
10. really cold water
11. really hot water
12. olive oil shampoo and conditioner
13. gilmore girls
14. mcleod's daughters
15. B's mohawk
16. T's long goatee
17. the anna nicole smith show
18. my fuzzy boots
19. old navy jeans
20. old navy dresses
21. reading
22. magazines
23. super duper dark chocolate
24. wedding pictures
25. paint samples
26. kevin smith
27. judd apatow
28. seth rogen
29. paul rudd
30. clueless
31. bowling
32. swimming pools
33. toys
34. new balance tennis shoes
35. blogging
36. reading blogs
37. dreaming of babies that are mine
38. the pioneer woman
39. babycenter
40. barnes and noble
41. black picture frames
42. the fact that i am gonna paint our own bedroom furniture for a revamp
43. greeting cards
44. t's western kentucky hoodie from about 10 years ago
45. jagermeister
46. the girls next door
47. purses
48. slippers
49. old navy tank tops
50. digital cameras
51. juno
52. bride wars
53. baby name books
54. pretty scarfs
55. oil burners
56. scented oils from the body shop
57. ice cream
58. smoothies
59. bananas
60. kiwis
61. cheesecake
62. that we are getting an xbox 360
63. checking the mail
64. my really old comforter
65. the duvet covers on ikea's website
66. ikea's catalog
67. NOT that we don't have an ikea
68. target
69. oatmeal
70. lists
71. posti-its
72. our dry-erase calendar
73. that people love me
74. dresses
75. jeans
76. how i met your mother
77. b in deck shoes
78. planning
79. the farmers almanac
80. that this list is over

Fucking pharmacy

As you may or may not have noticed, I am angry. I was supposed to start my Clomid yesterday but there has been some sort of mix up witht he pharmacy and GYN's office and it was never recieved. Obviously the pharmacy only checks the faxes every 3 days. So here I am a day late. I had the GYN's office call it into a different pharmacy and there it is 17.00 instead of 9 at the other. Now I am trying to get it switched back. I refuse to pay an extra 8.00 when everything is so expensive. Son of a fucking bitch.

Nothing witty to say

I hate that. I don't even know what to say about the start of my 21st cycle.

I'm excited because I have an HSG scheduled for Monday and supposedly they help you be more fertile. I will be taking my Clomid and now taking metphormin to help with ovulation. I got pregnant this cycle last year. It could make for lots of happy memories to take over all of the bad ones.

I'm scared because it could end up as a repeat of last year. Not what I want going on. I'm afraid that my heart will be more broken by this busted cycle than anything other because it was my cycle last year. I'm just scared.

I'm sad because I will constantly be worried about the baby if we do conceive this cycle. I'm sad because the last one didn't work. I'm just sad.

I have hope, but these days it is just so little that I don't know how long it will last. My HSG is scheduled for next Monday. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what they'll find and about how it will feel. I have heard lots of difrent experiences. If you had one, fill me in please!

Major TMI post

So, I got another BFN yesterday. I started getting cramps so I was sure all day yesterday and then all night long that I would have AF here in full force by now. Instead only nastey brown goo. YUCK! I am still holding out hope I guess that this could just be some implantation grossness, but I will have to wait until tomorrow to test again. I am still calling today to schedule my HSG as well as for my Clomid. I am just so sure that AF is going to be here in a few hours.

Also, I got my progesterone results. 8.8 at 8 DPO. Is that super bad?

BFN

That is all.

Another day, another test

I tested again (just as I promised). BFN of course. I am sure that a BFN is that I am getting until I get that ever-awesome period of mine. I have these 2 really great zits on my chin and they are always the surprise and unwanted call to let my know Aunt Flow is coming on over so get prepared. I will probably cry today, just so you know. THe 10 DPO BFN always breaks my heart.

Lots of news, nothing (terribley) important.

I had an appointment with my GYN today. Dr. T. up until today I felt like I had no idea what was really actually going on or what I was to do in the next cycles. I hate to waste the next four cycles of Clomid so I needed to discuss our option. I felt as though I was my own Dr during the visit. She did decide to start me on Glucophage (sp). 1 a day for 2 weeks, then 2 a day for 2 weeks, then 3 a day from there on out. I had so many questions so I will just number them and give you the answers I was given.

First, I told her all of the things we are doing now.
-OPKs
-DTD EOD until EWCM then ED until negative OPK
-4 mg folic acid (for the MTHFR mutation)
-baby aspirin (same as above)
-prenatal vitamins
-using Instead cup
-pre-seed
-Clomid 50 mg days 3-7

Now for the questions.
1. What is better for me, Clomid or Femara?
-since I am overweight the Clomid along with glucophage(sp)
2. Should I try an IUI?
-she said she thinks that would be helpful for me (see last question)
3. Should I be having a progesterone draw at 7 DPO or CD 21?
-it should be done at 7 DPO instead of CD 21 like it has been
4. Do I need CD3 FSH levels done?
-no, that checks to see if your eggs are too old and I am just 24.
5. Should I have an HSG done?
-yes, that would be beneficial, let's do it next cycle between CD 7 and 10. call to schedule on CD 1
6. When should we see an RE?
-first she said to wait 4 months, then when I ponited out that I would be through with my 6 cycles of Clomid she said now. She said the RE is who I should talk to about having an IUI.

I was going to ask about an SIS, but I have no idea what it is, lol. I will also be waiting to talk to the RE to ask about a trigger shot and whatnot. I got an appointment with an RE for March 3. I feel like that is forever away, I guess because it is. It kind of sucks that I will be in the middle of a cycle. She also told me that I need to get some of this weight off. I am thinking of starting a weightloss blog as well, but I don't know. I need something to make me accountable. Poor T, I always try to get him to do it but I think he feels bad telling me no when I want an ice cream or something. Wii Fit, here I come!

In other, cycle related, news I am on CD 27 and 9 DPO. I am not having any of the cramps I have been the past few cycles before AF and I have lots of creamy CM. It's looking good I guess, lol.

And the race is on

I tested this morning. BFN. Even though I feel like I see the slightest of lines, I'm sure I don't. I'm sure it is just the indention in the test and me wanting there to be color there.

I will be testing EOD until AF or BFP. Another update will come on Thursday. If I can figure shit out with my camera then I will take a picture and get some opinions.

Something exciting!

I got a blog award! You guys have to go check out The (In)Fertility Diaries. It is an absolutely awesome blog. I read it as much as possible and love that it is real life. I love real life blogs!


The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

* Copy the award and place it in your blog.

* Link the person who nominated you for this award.

* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

* Nominate 7 bloggers.

* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Here are my 7 things-
1.) I am totally and completely addicted to the Gilmore Girls. I have seen every episode around 6 or 7 times.
2.) I have a small hair addiction. I was a hairdresser and am constantly looking at bad haircuts.
3.) I could (and do) watch a few movies over and over and over. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 40 Year Old Virgin, Bewitched, Mean Girls, PS I Love You, Baby Mama, Juno, Bride Wars, Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Clueless.
4.) I love purses. Absolutely freakin love them.
5.) My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love the season, the colors, the cute witches and ghosts.
6.) Even though I live about 20 minutes from Churchill Downs, I have never been (and have no desire to go) to the Kentucky Derby.
7.) I like to believe that I have the kindest, most loving husband and son ever.

Now I am going to nominate 7 blogs that I am addicted to.

Our journey, but not our plan

Oops, I Craft My Pants

Welcoming Sea Monkey

Little Footprints

Cheryl Looking Forward

Steps to Baby

Creative Joy

The boring part of my cycle

I hate this point in the baby making cycle. I am 2 DPO so I still have a good 8 days until I can test and feel confident in the answer. I think i might play a game on this post. Let me go look at one of the other fun blogs to find something that is not absolutely boring (or maybe is).

ETA: Shot, I can't find anything. Anybody know a fun survey to take that might be interesting for my lovely readers?

I am sooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A very, very, very sweet woman named Cheryl had the entire contents of my old blog in her google reader (whatever that is) and I love her forever and ever and ever for copying and pasting them for me. I love you Cheryl!!!!!!!

Fresh

Sometimes the pain of our loss seems so fresh, as if happened just yesterday and I am still trying to believe it. T told me about some good work friends that were pregnant. I have to admit, they didn't seem like kid people and I was jealous because it was them and not us. Yesterday he told me that they had miscarried and the wife had to have a D&C. It broke my heart. I just felt so sad for them. I know that hurt, that pain. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I still feel that way some times. I remember in the days following the ultrasound just crying. Crying so much that my eyes were swollen almost shut. I remember not talking about it but still just bursting into tears. Worrying about what people would think, if they would look at me weird. I remember feeling like a bad wife because T was the one who had to tell everyone. I couldn't even bring myself to say it, because if I said it then it was real. I also remember after, wondering if T had been as sad as I was. Thinking that I should have been more supportive of him instead of only thinking of myself. He had hopes and dreams just like mine. Our baby already had a name. We had looked at bedding and furniture and narrowed our choices. I can't help but wonder if they are feeling the same way.

After T told me that I couldn't stop thinking about how little is done for you when you lose a baby. I told him about the woman in the ultrasound waiting room yesterday who was crying tyring to get in touch with her husband. She was alone there, pregnant and far enough so that you could tell. They found a bleed and it wasn't good. Yet there she was crying in the waiting room with everyone else just sitting there. Why is there not somewhere more private for situations like that? When T told me about this couple I wanted to give him a list of resources, things that could be found on-line to give to her. Then I thought that would be stupid and weird. I know that personally I would have loved to have found this community (The wonderful LFCA) earlier, when my loss was something that had just happened and I was paralyzed with sadness. I would love to do something in our community, try to get resources to hospitals and doctor's offices. Anything really, so that women have something, somewhere to go when they feel like there is nowhere.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I might go about this? Possibly contacting the March of Dimes?

3 follicles

Hmmm. What does this mean for me? The ultrasound tech said two were at 14mm and one was at 13mm. She said that all 3 were dominant instead of last month just the 1. I am guessing this ups the chance of multiple which makes me and T want to crap our pants. But along with that it ups our odds of just the 1 as well. I should O Saturday or Sunday. I went ahead and scheduled myself an appointment on Tuesday with my GYN. I would like to speak to her face-to-face for a little follow-up and a Q&A session. I have a zillion questions and want to find out what her answers are. I know she is going to say we need that SA but that is not covered by our insurance and we can't afford it right now. Being broke and infertile is a bitch. Anyway, that is today's update.

PS - I just joined the ICLW today and have a few comments! Do I need to post a welcome for you guys? I have seen some other blogs who have done it so I was not sure

5 am

5 am seems to be my general wake-up time lately. I have never been a 5 am kinda girl. So why am I now? Really, I have no clue. I sure wish I wasn't because by the time we go lay down around 8:30 or 9 I can't even stay awake long enough to say anything. My head hits the pillow and I am out. It is really killing our sex life. Anymore it seems like the only time we ever "do it" is when we are FWP (fucking with purpose). Back when T had to get up around 5:45 I couldn't even drag myself out of bed to make him breakfast, now he gets up an hour later and he spends the last 2 hours in bed alone. This morning my body tried to fool me and make me think 3:45 is an acceptable time to wake-up for the day. Not so much. It took me about 20 minutes but I fought it and fought it hard. Pretty soon I am going to be one of those people who actually does stuff when they get up at 5. Currently I am the kind who sits on the computer.

In other news... I have a CD 14 ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. I have been having really bad pain on my right side, mostly in my back, so I am thinking that may be some ovulation pain. Hopefully I ovulate even earlier this month. I will probably be purchasing some OPKs and starting them tomorrow.

Question. What would you do if you got up at 5 every morning? What should I try to get done?

Happy, happy birthday, may all your dreams come true

Today Is T's Birthday. He is now the big 3-0! Happy Birthday to the greatest man alive. You are my everything (as corny and cheesy as that sounds). You are there no matter what, even if you don't know what to say or do sometimes, it is just the being there that helps. You are more than I could have ever hoped for and definitely more than I deserve. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I hope that during our lives together I can make all of your dreams come true.

And it's already CD 9

Seems kind of crazy. Everyday I check all of the blogs that I read and come on here to see whats happening. Then I sign-in and try to think of what to write about. Then nothing happens. i have been so stressed out and feeling like crap lately that I can't think of anything aside from what is going on. I am so stressed that I even missed day 2 of my Clomid. I can't believe I did that. But that is what happens when your Mom is staying with you and you are driving her to work and back 30 minutes away all while trying to figure out how to tell her she is going to have to find somewhere else to stay. I won't go into it, but things got bad and she had to go. Now I am having a quite serious RA flare (have I mentioned that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis?). I am in pain. Bad, bad, bad pain. I'm swollen and can hardly move without making some sort of noise. I will be eating Aleve like it is going out of style because I can't take anything else. Ugh. Pain. Suffering. Blah.

Hopefully my next post is happier.

Death by chocolate

It makes everything better. A big bowl of it and I am over Cycle #19. I started my bitch pills last night on good ole CD 3. God I hope this is the cycle. We would be due on our 2nd wedding anniversary. How awesome would that be? Also, if this is not the cycle then we will be back to our original EDD in November. It's just to depressing to imagine.

Also, it would be a perfect time because we have a trip to DisneyWorld planned for the end of May and I would be around 20 weeks pregnant. Baby's first trip. How sweet would that be?

It's so nice to be in that hopeful part oof my cycle. No tests, no wondering. Just hope and lots of it.

The meaning of all those tears

AF came yesterday. So today is CD2. I pick up Clomid tomorrow. Cry. Cry. Cry. Be a jealous heinous bitch. Thanks everyone for wishing me a good cycle.

PS. I have a very, very good friend Heidi who just got her BFP yesterday. I am sooooooo happy for her. Go over there and wish her well.

At what point is it acceptable?

At what point in your cycle do you find it acceptable to curl up in your bed and just cry? Cry for a very long time. Cry so much that you can't breath. When do you let yourself feel like your heart is literally in the back of your throat and you don't know how to get it back down? Does it ever matter what else is happening around you?

Today I hit that point in my cycle. I cried while driving around alone. As soon as I dropped everyone off the tears flowed and they just wouldn't stop. Honestly, I don't know what all I am crying about. I just am. Now I will go climb in my bed and wait for T to get home. I may even read some sad blogs and whatnot just to add to the sadness.

And yes, one reason is because I am sure AF is on her way. I have got cramps. Bad cramps. looks like we are heading onto Cycle #20. Yay!

Sometimes

There are times when I wake up crying. This was one of those mornings. I had a dream that i got a BFP and was just so excited that I was crying. That made the BFN that I got this morning really fucking blow. I am either 11 or 12 DPO. Never get early BFPs so I have no idea what makes me think I will or why I get so sad when I don't. I hate those freakin' BFP dreams. It seems like every cycle I have atleast 1. The tests in my dream were FRERs but they looked like snow globes kind of. Very strange.

He acted surprised

Of course I had to test. It was a BFN. And T acted surprised that I tested, lol. I am either 10 or 11 DPO today. I never get early BFPs but I still love to test. It is an absolute addiction. I won't be testing again until Friday, ya know, I don't wanna waste and whatnot.

As far as symptoms go, I am nauseous constantly and can't really eat a lot. I have the. worst. heartburn. ever. It really blows. My poor boobies are pretty sore and feel heavy, oh so heavy. I have also been cramping a lot. I love that my symptoms could be AF or stress related. And for the record I am not on wither side of the I think I'm pregnant, no I'm not deal today. It changes by the minute.

What Does It Mean?

7.2 ? I got my progesterone level back today. I was only 1 or 2 DPO. The nurse was clueless. She couldn't tell me anything other than my GYN said that it was positive. I really wish I could have answered when my doctor called so I could have asked her.

Here is a real LOL for all of you fellow POASaholics. The nurse said "If you're period is late take a home pregnancy test." BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I just laughed and said "I will."

Please, share your wisdom with me lovely ladies!

I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...

scared. No, not really. But every time I say I am excited I think of the Saved by the Bell episode where Jessi is hooked on caffeine pills and she sings that and cries into Zach's arms. But, enough of that mumbo jumbo, now for the real news.

I am OVULATING!!! I am so very, very happy to hear this! I went in on Tuesday morning for my progesterone draw and my GYN called this morning (yes, on a Sunday) and left a voicemail saying that my labs showed that I did indeed ovulate on the 50 mg of Clomiphene!!!! The only problem that I have is that I guess all of this time I have not been ovulating. Boo for that. But no wonder I haven't gotten pregnant for the last zillion cycles. I will be calling tomorrow morning to find out exactly what my levels were because for some reason I think hearing them will make me feel something or tell me something magical.

In other news I am feeling soooooo very nauseous and have been all day long. I also have heartburn and have had it since yesterday morning. I can't help but get my hopes up. I will not be testing until Friday though. I should be 11 or 12 DPO.

Baby Talk

When the conversation turns to talk of babies (actually being pregnant) what is the acceptable thing to do? Just act like you don't hear it? You can't do that, you are in this conversation and everyone else knows it. Should you try to make everyone uncomfortable so they change the subject? No, that wouldn't be very friendly of you. Do you just shake your head like you understand what they are going through and you are not pissed that they are complaining about the fact that they are actually pregnant? This is typically me. The one who doesn't want to hurt someone's feelings. All the while I am thinking, you are such a bitch for sitting here complaining about how miserable you are and how you can't wait for it to be over. How about this, how about you be happy that your stupid ass is pregnant at all?! Here we are on the 19th try, so yeah, thanks for making me hate you.

What do you do when the conversation turns?

She's Sure

First a little back story. My Mom is living with us. She just came a little over 2 weeks ago. I don't really share the fact that I am technically infertile with anyone. Noone understands secondary infertility anyway. On with the story now.

I have had lots of appointments lately and 2 since she has been here, 1 for an ultrasound and 1 for bloodwork yesterday to check my progesterone. She has since taken to telling people that I am pregnant and just not telling anyone. Too bad it is untrue. I told her that is not the case, I actually cannot get pregnant. She took it as a joke. Now I get to sit down and actually tell someone aside from T that we are a couple suffering from secondary infertility. Whoo! Go me!

As if not being pregnant is not fun in and of itself, now I will have family and friends of family thinking that I am. If only it were that simple. Plus, where exactly does she think it is her business to tell people if we aren't doing it? I will also have to talk to her about this. It is not her news to share. It is our news and we will share it when the time comes. She has no idea how hard it is to tell everyone you are pregnant then have to make the announcement that you no longer are and it is not because you gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby. Now I just feel like screaming "Mind your own fucking business bitch!". But we all know that isn't happening.

Who knows what will happen next. We will talk, I just don't know when. I am not ready for the questions that I don't have answers to myself.

Let the Countdown Begin

The 2WW is always a huge killer for me. I am (I think) officially 1 DPO. I have been testing and testing and testing and finally broke down yesterday and bought some FRER OPKs, came home, took one and it was for sure positive. So exciting!!!! So now we wait. And hope that we made a baby. On Tuesday I have my blood drawn to check my progesterone which will of course show I am not Oing because it will only be 3 DPO and not 7 like it needs to be. So, if I am not pregnant this time I am sure they will up the Clomiphene.

During this 2WW I go through a ton of "I think I am pregnant" to "I know I'm not, it will never happen" thoughts. I drive myself crazy. Of course I start testing entirely to early because I talk myself into it. This month I am officially waiting until I am at least 10 DPO and then, if it is a BFN I will wait until I am late for AF. Now, i wonder how many times I have told myself that exact thing.

So, I am sure the next few weeks will be crazy with posting about reasons i am pregnant and reasons I am not.

It Is a Job Sometimes

Noone ever told me that when you are TTC for a long eventually sex becomes a job (or at least you feel that way). I think I am ovulating today so we have been BDing (baby dancing) every night the past few nights and will continue to do so until we are sure that I did O. There are nights (or mornings or afternoons) when we know we have to do it and just aren't feeling it completely. But that could be the only chance we have to conceive, so we do it. When I feel like it is work, I just remember the fact that eventually we will get paid I know that to T this may actually sound bad, but it's not. There are never times when I feel like I don't have a choice, there are just times when I would rather be sleeping or when I know he isn't really feeling it.

I always thought that I would never let it get to the point where we were like "Ugh, we have to do it tonite." But all of you infertile myrtles know exactly what I am talking about here. Sometimes you are fighting, or sick or hurt and you sit and try to figure out what you are going to do to get the job done. You say to yourself, I may be completely stopped up and achy all over but it is happening tonite. He may be acting like a huge douche right now but I will get over it for a few minutes to (maybe) make a baby. His leg hurts, well shit, we will figure something out, a little pain is worth it.

You eventually get over trying to always make things fun and exciting. More than half of the time there is no foreplay aside from squirting some sperm-friendly lube in various places. I see things on other ladies blogs saying some of the same things. Never feel alone in your "I don't want to, but I have to" thoughts. Know we are all at some point lying there dreaming of a baby.

Eating and Drinking (In)Fertility

All of you that are TTC know about the "Fertility Diet". No sushi (I don't eat it anyway), no alcohol, no lunch meat or hot dogs. Soft cheeses are out the window as well as artificial sweeteners.

In the beginning we all follow this religiously. So scared of that little possibility that there is indeed a baby in there. That your eggs could be damaged from that 1 wine cooler or hot dog. You even tell people that you can't eat it because you are trying and want to be careful. You miss out on your favorite meals and dishes at holidays "just in case".

But me, I am so over this diet. If it is not 8 DPO or later I have myself a drink. The first 2 weeks of my cycle I try my damnedest to drink all the Jaeger I can handle. I don't even worry about skipping out on foods that are not pregnancy friendly. I figure when I get that BFP I will stop eating hot dogs and lunch meat.

What exactly is one to do at parties and or when going out with friends? Fake it ladies, fake it. You know you can. Order something fruity looking or make yourself a "special" drink. I know personally we are having a New Year's Eve party this year at our house and I will be well into the 2WW (two week wait after you ovulate until your next AF). Typically, I drink, and a lot. This year I will be very obviously not inebriated and be drinking some sort of sparkly clear drink with some grenadine or something in it. Ugh. The fun of fucking infertility.

Up next : What do you want to know? Give me something you have wondered about or wish that someone had told you when you were early in TTC.

Thanks for the comments! I am so happy to know that someone is actually reading all of this and understands just where I am coming from. T knows and is actually reading this right now and making me uncomfortable.

I Know, I Know

I was supposed to post Eating and Drinking Fertility today. I will. I promise. Buuut, there is much more exciting news! I am on CD 14 today and have an ultrasound to check for ovulation! I took an OPK on Sunday and it was almost positive. I kind of forgot to hold my pee yesterday so I will take another today and it should be positive. I am really excited. My shortest cycles in forever. I will be back very soon (I am the first appointment of the day) and tell you all about everything!

Also, I have followers! And ones I don't know! I'm not to sure if I want to share this blog with my IRL friends or not, we will see. I still haven't told T about it, lol.

Hey followers, leave me little message about your journey. I would love to hear from you!


Update: I took a little longer than I expected because we had some people to pick up at the airport. Anyway, I have one follicle that is 15mm. The ultrasound tech said that I should O in a day or 2 from her experience. She was very nice. She said it looks like I am responding just right to the Clomid and no multiple dominant eggs. Yay for a good O!

Someone also said something about not being able to post a comment so I am going to check that out right now.

#1 on the "To Don't" List

How is it that everyone thinks that they can tell you "Don't stress" and that will be enough to make you not do it? If that were the case then I would tell T to go and win the lottery and guess what... he would. I feel like TTC has put me on edge and now I stress out about the littlest things.

I stress when my socks are all dirty. I stress when I spill something on the floor. I stress when I find out someone is coming over last minute. I really seem to stress when I find out someone is coming at all. Obviously I stress about the real issues in life, such as when (or if) I will ovulate or how long my cycle will be. I stress about whether I will be pregnant by the anniversary of our loss. I stress about eventually having a nursery. I stress about how I will feel when I am pregnant, who I will tell.

Well, here is what I do to de-stress. I just sit around and blame other people. I blame people we know for having kids so easily. I blame the lady across the street for having so many damn kids. I blame the asshole at Walmart for having a pregnant wife and looking like he's 12 and so is she. I blame the nurses at my OB/GYN's office because they don't call me back fast enough to tell me I'm not pregnant, or I'm not ovulating. I blame my family for stressing me and making me mad. I blame T for everything noone else can be blamed for.

So, when stress gets the best of you, pick someone and make it their fault. Unless of course it really is your fault, then get the eff over it.

Tell me what you stress about. Get it out. You can even tell me who you blame for what if you want.

Tomorrow: Eating and drinking fertility.

Month after month after month after month after month after month

I thought I'd give you the play-by-play of my life. This is through the eyes of a 24 year-old veterans eyes. Give or take (most likely give) a few crying sessions.

Here is how my cycles go pretty much every month (give or take a few days depending on how AF is feeling):

CD (cycle day) 1 Take a test first thing in the morning, BFN (big fat negative) of course, cry. Get AF (aunt flo/period). Think, I could still be pregnant, this could be implantation, take another test. BFN. duh. Ball my eyes out.

CD 3-7 Take Clomid. Feel like something is going to happen for sure this month. Turn into the biggest bitch ever. Realize I'm being a bitch, but the Clomid makes it impossible to stop.

CD 8-around 21 Wonder if I actually will ovulate or did ovulate. Take about a million OPKs. Spend a ton of money on them. Check my CM like a crazy woman. Rub it between my fingers and see if it stretches.

CD 14 go to GYN for an ultrasound to check for ovulation

CD 21 got to GYN for progesterone blood draw

CD 21- CD between 29 and 35 Don't drink. Don't do any heavy lifting. No big bumps. Think I am pregnant. Think I'm not. Think I am. Think I'm not. Absolutely know I am. Test. Test. Test. Test. Test. Spend tons of money on HPTs (home pregnancy tests) just in case the cheaper ones are not as good. Get AF. Cry.

Throughout cycle Take prenatals, folic acid and baby aspirin religiously. Cry a zillion times because someone is pregnant and I am not. Think about "this time next year". Keep trying to keep my hopes in perspective. Tell myself I won't be pregnant so if I am I will be pleasantly surprised.

Tomorrow: Stress. Enough said.

Do I Make You Feel Bad About Yourself?

I always wonder this when I talk about our struggle to our friends. Do I make you feel bad about the fact that you can get pregnant and we can't? Do I make you afraid that things won't work out for you when you guys decide to try? Do I make you uncomfortable when I talk about our loss because you don't know what to say?

It seems like when you are struggling with infertility everyone asks you if you are pregnant all the time. I guess they really don't, but that question every now and then (even though it usually is not so straight-forward) makes you feel like you are asked all the time. I guess having to answer "No, not yet" just doesn't seem good enough for an answer. I always want to say something like "It's not because we haven't been trying". I mean really people, you should see how much I have spent on OPKs, how often I check my CM. All of the bloodwork I have done every month. Maybe the fertility medications and extra pills that I take everyday will make you understand. But, instead, I sit around feeling bad about myself because I can't get pregnant when everyone in the world thinks it is so easy.

Is it ever OK just to be a total bitch and make your friends and family uncomfortable about the fact that you can't have a baby? I am guessing not. But when you are 24 and everyone keeps saying "You're young, it will happen, you have plenty of time." you really just want to punch them in the throat. Make them feel a little of the pain and breathlessness that you go through month after month after month.

Way back when we first got married everyone asking was sweet, then when 6 months passed and nothing happened except for my cycles getting longer every month I started to give harsh answers. Then we got pregnant and I couldn't hold it back and not tell people. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It ruined our journey for everyone, not just us. Before the miscarriage I could talk to a few friends and they didn't completely "get" my heartbreak, but they were comfortable talking about it and offered support. Now, 19 cycles from the first, noone mentions that baby, noone talks about how fun the trying is, noone says "I can't wait to be pregnant buddies with you". Now people hesitate to tell us things. Unless they are the rude, heartless, a-holes who like to spring things on you. We have friends who have already prepared us (although I am sure it was just them saying it, not for our benefit) that they will be trying in about 5 or 6 months. When they get pregnant on the first try it will break my heart, but only because I won't be by then. I can feel it. Now how crazy is that, ruling out tons of cycles before they are even here.

Tomorrow: The stages of a cycle, through a 24 year-old veterans eyes.

2 times in 1 day, hmmmmmmmm

I thought I'd come back while I had time. I know so many of you are so enthralled, lol. The main reason I wanted to start this blog is to show other young women that infertility has no age limit. I am only 24 and suffering from it. I have friends on BBC that are 20 and 21 and are suffering from it. It does not discriminate. I just want you to know, you are not alone. I'm here and will talk all about it.

I am fairly positive that I will be ovulating fairly soon because I am having some serious cramps, mostly on my left side. I am so excited for my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday so that I can find out how things are going with the Clomid. My face is breaking out nicely, too so that is another great sign. T has a pretty large blood clot in his leg so we were trying to figure out how to take advantage of the "Clomid timing" without breaking it off and killing him. Luckily, we were cleared for doing the baby dance today at the doctor. I definitely would have hated to waste a Clomid cycle for the following reasons
1.) I was a total and complete bitch. I knew I was being a bitch and just couldn't stop myself. I kept thinking, "Oh my god, did I really just say that?" "Did I really just do that?" Poor T just kept saying he would be glad when I was done with those bitch pills.
2.) They cost money, they were super cheap, but still. Money is money, who wants to waste it?
3.) The cramps are freakin horrible. They are hurting all the way through to my back.

So far we have just been avid OPK (ovulation prediction kit) users. Also, I can always tell by my CM (cervical mucous) when I am close to ovulating. I need to start using my BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer so I can be sure things are happening. I got a negative OPK yesterday and didn't do one yet today.

Tomorrow's topic: How people we know handle our infertility.


Dec 19, 2009 9:35 PM

This may be my first time, but I ain't no virgin.

My first official makin a baby blog post! So exciting. I am going to be blogging alllllll about the good, the bad, the ugly and hopefully at some point the beauty of TTC.

I will start with a little bit of back story on us. We (T - my husband and me - I know, I is more appropariate but I don't want to confuse you already) have been TTC (trying to conceive) since June of 2008. That is around 19 cycles. This being #19. How depressing is that? But, I go on. We were married in October of 2008, just a few months after we started trying. I am 24 (November 2009) and T is going to be 30 (January 2010). I had a son in 2003 so we never thought TTC would give us such a problem, I am Fertile Mertle as far as we were concerned. He was not made with T but T is his father.

We have gotten pregnant. February of this year we conceived, got a faint positive in March, then we miscarried at 10 weeks on April 23, 2009. It was the. worst. day. EVER. Losing a child is the worst feeling in the world. But I will talk about this more later I am sure.

Right now I am on CD 10. I took Clomid (a pill to induce ovulation) from CD 3 thru CD 7. Hopefully I will ovulate sometime this coming week. This past cycle was my shortest (29 days instead of the normal 34) so that is great. I go in on Tuesday (CD 14) to check for signs of ovulation through ultrasound. Then I go in on CD 21 to have a blood draw for progesterone. That is pretty much this cycle all summed up. Later, I will go into more detail.

I want

to create my own blog background, layout, whatever you wanna call it. Does anyone know how I could go about doing that? I really don't want to pay for a layout, but i might. I can't find one that is me.

Also, another smiley face this morning. Woohoo!

Negatives

Those damn negatives. I get so sick of seeing them all the time. I just started using the ClearBlue Easy Digital OPKs and they are negative. They should be fucking positive by now. It seems like all cycle, every cycle I get negatives on everything. Whatever though, I guess it will get positive soon enough.

On another note, did anyone else watch "The Pregnancy Pact" on Lifetime? I know that for some very strange reson I DVRed it and now my heart is breaking. I remember being 17 and pregnant. I was scared. There was not pact. I love little B, but he was an accident, something that shouldn't have happened. I remember even at 17 I felt horrible knowing there were so many women who ready to be mothers and can't have it happen. It just wasn't fair that I could have a baby and they couldn't. Now I am one of those ladies that I felt sorry for, one of the ones who just can't get pregnant.

As soon as I get that positive on my OPK you will all be aware, lol. I know you care!

UPDATE: I got a smiley face on my OPK about an hour ago!!! I guess you know what will be happening tonight at my house! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Try, Try Again

I am the Babbling Bitter Bitch. I had a blog and I loved it so! I let me, being the Bitter Bitch that I am, get the best of me and I deleted it. Broke my heart, but what broke my heart more is that people couldn't respect that I am a person and have feelings that are not always so sweet and friendly. I tend to be a friendly person, but my goodness this infertility crap has just turned me into a horrible, jealous person. Be back soon to fill you in on us.